On Friendships and Sweet Lady Kisses
by Boisterous Hal
Summary: Brittany writes about the people in her life, for English homework.  Apologies for my lame summary, but it does get better!  One-shot, complete.


**Title: On Friendships and Sweet Lady Kisses**

**Summary: Brittany writes about the people in her life, for English homework. Apologies for my lame summary, but it does get better! One-shot, complete.**

**Characters/pairings: New Directions members, Will Schuester, Santa Claus, Sue Sylvester and the Cheerios. The pairings mentioned in the fic are canon as at 2x8 "Furt", with exceptions (Finn/Puck? No, Brittany. Just...no).**

**Author's note: It's been a while since my last fic. I've been so busy with work, but a plot bunny recently attacked. Since I found out that Brittany still believes in Santa Claus (though**** I haven't seen that episode at the time of writing), I've wanted to make a reference to it. I seriously am questioning my sanity right now. You'll see why.**

**Warnings/spoilers: Many images of people making out (as in strong sexual references, yo), slash and femslash references, low level violence reference, and attempts at humour. Up to and including 2x8 "Furt".**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Glee. I am filled with glee, but that's not the same thing.**

Hi there,

My name is Brittany S. Pierce. Mrs. Kostanic asked us to write about our friends, and why we like them, for English class. So here goes. I have no idea why I wrote this first part. Meh. I don't like homework usually, but this could be quite fun. :-)

**Quinn Fabray:** She's so pretty, and smart, and she's got an awesome name. She taught me that Blonde is _not_ my religion. We've known each other for a long time, and I hope we can be good friends forever. She's always been there for me. :-)

I was really sad when she and Santana stopped being friends. I was also angry when she squealed to Coach Sylvester about San's breast implants, so much so that I didn't really want to see her for the next two weeks. I've forgiven her since, even if San won't. A crazy part of my brain thought that the fight that Quinny and San had in the school corridor was pretty hot, and I almost joined in. But seriously, fighting is bad, y'all. Don't do it.

**Noah 'Puck' Puckerman:** He's so cool, and badass, and his arms are so squeezable. He sings and plays guitar really well too, which is an added bonus. I enjoy watching San and Puck make out, and I like it when San watches myself and Puck make out. Maybe what I would like to happen is for Artie and I to make out, while out of the corner of my eye, I watch Finn and Puck make out. Hot.

I know that Puck only wants me for my body, which is the same reason that he wants San, but I'm down with that. Or should that be up with that? Directions are _so_ confusing.

**Artie Abrams:** Artie! I'm so blessed to have you as my boyfriend. I bet if you were not in a wheelchair, you would totally be part of the Cheerios. It doesn't matter, because now you're on the football team and I can cheer you on at every game!

People refer to us as 'Beauty and the Geek', but don't get it. I suppose the Beauty part is correct, since you're the hottest guy in the school, but how am I geeky? I haven't read a book in like, forever. But anyway...

I love you so much, AA. No matter how many guys (and girls) I make out with while we're still dating, you'll still be my numero uno.

**Kurt Hummel: **I MISS YOU, KURT. I am still shocked that you left McKinley High for Dalton Academy. If you join the Warblers, I have a feeling that you'll open a can of whoop-ass on New Directions. It makes me sad. I miss your smile, your fashion, your singing and everything else about you. Glee club has lost a family member.

I sometimes wanna hit Dave Karofsky so hard that I make him cry, but I don't wanna go anywhere near that monster. As I said before, fighting is bad. I'm moving on, before I bawl my eyes out _again_.

**Rachel Berry: **Believe it or not, I actually like Rachel. She talks a lot and uses big words that I don't understand, but she's pretty and smart, and I love her singing voice. I told S to stop being so mean to her, but she never listens to me.

I once said to Rachel, 'I'm so totally into you. Let's make out.' She looked at me all weird, and after a pause, she said, 'Behind you! It's The Cat in the Hat!' I turned around, but there was only Mr. Schue standing there. I turned back to tell her this, but she was gone. I think she's not that into me.

One day, I hope that Finchel will let me watch as they make out. Then I'll make out with both Finn and Rachel. If Artie agrees to join us, we could be a foursome. :-)

I should get everyone in glee to make out with everyone else. Ooh, how exciting! My mind wandered again...*giggles*

If San is not gonna duet Melissa Etheridge's "Come To My Window" with me, I'll ask Rachel. I'd love to duet with her, esp. after her duet with Finn that everyone else found offensive. I still don't get why it was offensive. I thought their costumes looked cute. I should move on, or I'll sound like a complete Rachel stalker. Muhahahaha.

**Sam Evans: **He's the new kid in glee, and he's fit in very well. I got to see his golden key. Ultimate squee for male hotness. Just like Puck, he sings and plays guitar really well. Guitarists are hot, which is why I make out with as many guitarists as I can.

Sam won't make out with me though, because he's seriously in love with Quinn. She's in total denial that they're dating, but I know the truth. Quinny is so transparent sometimes, and it's adorable. Quam (that's Quinn/Sam, because Sam/Quinn becomes Sinn which doesn't sound so good) would have really hot children, I'm sure of it. :-D

**Tina Cohen-Chang:** I like listening to Tina sing. She deserves more solos, but her voice gets drowned out by the more vocal members in glee, like Rachel and San. I've been a fan of Tina since I found out that she makes her own jewellery, just like I do. Thank you for breaking up with Artie, Tina. I owe you one.

**Mike Chang: **I'm a huge fan of Mikey-Mike's. That boy has some hot dance moves going on. He's also extremely funny. He does the best impersonations of other students and the teachers, and he pulls the best funny faces I've ever seen. It's a shame that he pulled out of glee's Rocky Horror production. I would die happily if he wore women's clothing.

**Mercedes Jones: **I secretly think she has the second best female voice in glee, with me being in first place of course. It's kind of nice that she's plus size, because life could get boring if everyone at McKinley had a body like a Cheerio's. Speaking of which, Mercedes, you can come back and join the Cheerios any time, hot stuff!

She's been sad since Kurt left. I think I'll cheer her up by making out with her. Then I can try and pair her up with Puck for a second go. I'm sure Santana won't mind. Muhahahaha.

**Finn Hudson:** Finn is so cute, and I'm not just talking about looks. It's cute that he still tries to cheat off me in class. I thought I was dumb, but he has no clue about anything besides sport or music. I know I sound mean, but it's the truth.

I threatened to tell Rachel that he tried to cheat of me in class, and he turned so pale, that I laughed in his face. Then I tickled him to show him that I wasn't being serious. He's even more ticklish than my teddy bear.

I really did feel bad that I made fun of his weight, when I made the comment about sloppy joes. I saw him walking through the school in his tighty whities, and looked so fine. I told him this afterwards, said I was sorry for the crack about his weight, and that Rachel was lucky to have him. He smiled when I said this. I love making Finn smile. It lights up the whole room.

Whenever I get lost at school (which happens often), I look for Finn, who is really tall. He helps me get my bearings. He's like a lighthouse that helps the ships get to where they are going safely.

If Finn breaks up with Rachel, I should collect him on the rebound, while still dating Artie. Ooh, a threesome! I hope this doesn't happen though, since Finchel would have adorable kids, to compete with Sam and Quinn's kids on the aww-o-meter.

I'm such a Finchel stalker. Help me, please!

**Mr. Schue:** Mr. Schue is awesome. It can't be said enough. He loves to sing and dance, just like me. He's given up so much time to teach glee, and I wanna give something back to him. I thought about offering myself, but that would get Mr. Schue in trouble. I'll make him some jewellery instead. He'll love a ring with a matching necklace.

He taught me the second half of the alphabet. He was so patient as we sounded out the letters. I'm really comfortable with my ABC's now. I love you, Mr. Schue. Not in the same way that I love Artie, but I wanna fail Grade 11 year after year on purpose, so that I don't have to leave the Cheerios, and Mr. Schue's glee club behind.

**Coach Sylvester and the Cheerios: **I don't know what I'd do without Coach and the girls. You all rock! We always have fun at practice (except poor San who is still stuck at the bottom of the pyramid after Implant Gate), and we get the best view of the hotties in the football team. BTW Hayley, no you cannot have my Artie. You can have Azimio instead. Hehe, I am so bad.

Coach has said and done some mean stuff, like making me wash her car after I tried to pants Santana the other day, calling glee club a 'stain on McKinley that I want to scrub away', and cutting down that small tree where the gummy bears lived. What did the gummy bears ever do to her? I'll forgive all of this, because no one could teach the Cheerios like Coach Sylvester can. Also, I think that deep down inside, she likes people who she's mean to, like glee club, Mr. Schue, and er, most people around her.

**Santa Claus:** Santa brings me presents every Christmas. I know this for a fact, because the gift tags say that the presents are from Santa. This automatically makes him my friend. I really hope to meet him one day, so I can give him some of my jewellery.

I said to San recently that I find it amazing that he manages to climb down a million kids' chimneys in one night. She replied that there are more like a billion kids in the world, and that Santa doesn't exist. I didn't think about this too much, because I struggle to count past 15, and of course Santa exists! Silly Santana. Santa Santana. Teeheehee.

Speaking of numbers, I know calculators are supposed to make our lives easier, but they confuse me. There are so many buttons with alien symbols on them. The only things with buttons on them that don't confuse me are my clothes.

**Santana Lopez:** I saved the best for last. S, San, Santana, you are my BFF, and the most A+++++ friends-with-benefits that any girl could have. I love, love, love, love you, even if you say that you don't love me back.

We've known each other like, forever, and we've been BFF's for that long too. San, after we graduate from McKinley, you should marry Puck and I should marry Artie, and we should live together in one house for lovely sexy times. It's our destiny.

I would go on for hours about Santana, but my fingers are hurting. I know I have more friends than those mentioned above, but I think I've written heaps. Still, I'm sorry if you didn't get a mention. I'll make it up to you. Ooh, San just texted me to say she's coming over to my place right now. I hope she'll give me sweet lady kisses again. Bye!

XX Brittany

**The End**

**...and so ****Santana came over and gave Britt sweet lady kisses. Mrs. Kostanic, feeling disturbed while having a good laugh, graded B's homework 'INSANE'. Newlyweds Mr. Muggles and Sparky the Great Slash Dragon also had a good laugh, and had a feast in Brittany's honour in Le Chateau De Slashtastique.**

**All of the sexual references in Glee have turned my brain into mush floating in the gutter. That's why I'm never watching Glee again. Just kidding! But seriously, Britt being a Finchel stalker is more scary than brilliant.**

**I hope you all a safe and wonderful festive season, and a very Happy New Year.**

**Did you think there was too much sexual imagery and not enough interesting content in this fic, or did you like the randomness? Please review.**


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